I came across Ps 3 and I called my husband to verify that I'd not be taking this chapter out of context to consider “enemies” pressing in against David as “emotions” instead of people. So this is my prayer to God thinking of the emotional battle I’m in right now.
Please first read Psalms 3 from the King James version then read my prayer, you are welcome and encouraged to share my prayer with others you may feel may benefit from it please include the title "Karen's prayer and above paragraph and prayer in entirety" when doing so!
1. Lord, how great and loud are these voices of fear and lies that torment my mind and trouble me! Many are they that rise up against me!
2. Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him (her) in God, give up!
3. But You Oh Lord, are a shield for me! You are my glory! And the lifter of my head I have to feel no shame!
4. I have cried unto God with a loud voice, He heard me and ministers to me!
5. I can lie down to sleep and know that God will sustain me.
6. I will no longer face alone the tens of thousands of fears and doubts that set themselves against me all around me.
7. Arise Oh Lord; Save me! Oh my God! For you have smitten all mine enemies upon the cheekbone; you have broken the teeth of my tormentors.
8. Salvation belongs unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people.
Friday, December 5, 2008
So, what's going on with Karen?
Ok, so if you have spent much time with me at all in the right setting, I have just enough ‘control freak’ in me for you to have seen that I love to be the center of attention and that I really want to have a lot of fun- especially if it involves coffee and doing things my way, did I mention I’m a control freak? But lately I’m surprised to hear that there may actually be some out there that don’t know that I like to be the center of attention, to have a great time and that I can be really funny. They don’t know that I love to laugh and at one point I had a great sense of humor.
I have invited many of you to my blog for the first time to tell you all what I’m going through at once; many of you for the first time will be seeing me be transparent and vulnerable.
I have been experiencing various pain for some time now. One type of pain I was reminded started 18 months ago. They wanted to operate to correct the problem, immediately, and for reasons beyond my control, and now I thank God, I never had the operation. But over the last six months I have been living with chronic severe pain and chronic fatigue. I have asked my husband and mother to keep it a secret because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Now I know that what I was really afraid of while my body was rapidly attacking it’s self and I was loosing muscle control, was not being “the strong one” anymore. I was scared of becoming dependant on others and how it was affecting my interaction with my children and I was trying to hide it all. This stress mixed with the stress of doing “too much” at the pregnancy center, and then stepping down from Executive Director @ the pregnancy center which meant for the first time in 20 years I’d not be reporting to a job, my system went on overload and I had a melt down!
As you know I spent a few days in the hospital after being taken to the emergency room November 17, 2008 for being confused and disorientated. On the way to the emergency room my husband held me through a seizure. I was admitted into the hospital for more tests because the CT scan and chest x-ray revealed no stroke, heart attack or seizure. The ER Doctor said I’m looking at the symptoms like a stroke and there is a syndrome that can bring on 24 hour paralysis after a seizure but tests don’t show what my husband watched happen as he held me.
Now, they know that I’m experiencing migraines (I didn’t know that some of the headaches I have are migraines--I’ve had headaches my entire life most days of my life); and that the migraines bring on panic attacks and that the panic attacks can cause me to hyper-ventilate which could cause my body to do many things. It did not surprise the Dr. explaining all this too me that it was like a seizure. He has many patients that cause themselves to pass out with their panic attacks from migraines. But they also did some more testing, some emotional testing, and they think that I’ve held too much stress in. One theory I’ve heard is that they think my body is shutting itself down in self-defense. But the basic consensus is that I’m experiencing a chemical imbalance in the brain, that I’m PROBABLY bipolar. My general practitioner has diagnosed that already but my counselor said she isn’t ready to put a definite diagnosis on it yet. She says I definitely fit the criteria, but we need to re-evaluate once we can weed out the many short term stressors going on.
I have been gluten free for over three months now, but that doesn’t help the chronic pain or fatigue. However, the septic systems of Pahrump have screamed Hallelujah. I’ve also finally found some great wheat-gluten free flour I love!
MRI did not reveal MS like we were anticipating. When I started having major involuntary muscle spasms I prayed, “Lord, even if you want me to have something like MS I’m ok with it. I just want you to be glorified. I want to be able to praise you in all things.” (Bipolar never would have come to mind to fill in that MS blank; anything but a mind /emotional disorder, right? Come on now “I’m a control freak!” EXACTLY!)
So, I’m sitting in the Neurologists office the day after I’m released from the hospital following up with his nurse practitioner and he is asking me about my stress level. I make like a snorting noise and say what stress….are you kidding me? Start sobbing, “Josh, you know what the worst part of this whole thing is? I’m a born again Christian who spends way too much time bragging about being a stinking control freak when the bottom line is, GOD is suppose to be in control of my life!” I don’t even know if he is a Christian or not, poor guy. Oh, Lord I pray for Josh right now. Please use my words to him any way you can! May you be glorified!
For the time being I get to have lots of company while they find the right med’s for me, as they don’t want the kids and me alone while Brent and Mom are at work. So if you want to come have a freshly brewed cup of steamy hot coffee with my favorite vanilla-cinnamon creamer, come get a heaping helping of Taylor hospitality.
Through this all, I’m learning to enjoy each and every kiss and hug even more. You can never ever, ever say I love you enough! Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us and I am learning to quit feeling guilty for not making promises, commitments and expectations (that is the hardest – ok so I probably haven’t changed that one yet) about tomorrow and let tomorrow bring what it might. I may say I want to do such and such tomorrow and tentatively let’s plan to but I’m learning to be much more flexible. That is something I lost a long time ago.
A few of you that I have confided this in already have asked, “do you really believe you have a chemical imbalance?” Yes, it’s the only thing to me that explains why I don’t (feel) recognize one shred of myself. You may occasionally get a glimpse of the mask I may find laying around somewhere but ME….no one…not even my mom recognizes at times. I know that the enemy of our soul roams around like a lion seeking whom he may devour and I believe that I have been a prime target for attack for the stands that I have taken in the pro-life movement and I remember once losing my voice after telling a young man when prompted by the Holy Spirit that abortion is murder, this is one major reason why I covet many prayers right now and praise God that I have found a counselor who is not only a born again Christian but familiar and supportive of the pregnancy resource centers and pro-life movement. She does believe that I have bottled a lot in the last two years and that it was a great loss for me personally to step down from my position at the center and somewhere along the line I surrendered my identity to the identity of the center and I agree this is not proper and I caution all leadership of PRC’s to ask God to examine your heart and show you if you have lost you before it’s too late! Imbalance is not a sin, the neurons misfiring and not sending the proper messages is not a sin; the initial battle I fought walking out of my GP’s office that day was “how can I be bipolar and a born again Christian? I thought you are one or the other?” My counselor reminded me that our brains are comprised of neuron transmitters and chemical balances are necessary. I am in fact only responsible for my reaction to these misfiring neurons and chemical imbalances.
This sanguine who wants to be the life of the party and have every one like her, mixed with choleric who likes to control things just a LITTLE too much; is choosing once again to lay it all down at the foot of the cross where we are all equal and where we are all sinners and it really doesn’t matter that I’ve been vulnerable and transparent.
What matters the most is that God receives all the glory and honor and praise! What matters is that He is still on the throne and that none of this surprised Him There are countless ways that my husband and I have been able to see God’s hand through timing and directing the events and timing of the last 22 days since I originally began melting down. My favorite song right now, in this space in time, has become Blessed be the name: “On the road marked with suffering when there is pain in the offering blessed be your name, every blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise”….I think that is right….
Good night all and to all a good night. I love you.
I have invited many of you to my blog for the first time to tell you all what I’m going through at once; many of you for the first time will be seeing me be transparent and vulnerable.
I have been experiencing various pain for some time now. One type of pain I was reminded started 18 months ago. They wanted to operate to correct the problem, immediately, and for reasons beyond my control, and now I thank God, I never had the operation. But over the last six months I have been living with chronic severe pain and chronic fatigue. I have asked my husband and mother to keep it a secret because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Now I know that what I was really afraid of while my body was rapidly attacking it’s self and I was loosing muscle control, was not being “the strong one” anymore. I was scared of becoming dependant on others and how it was affecting my interaction with my children and I was trying to hide it all. This stress mixed with the stress of doing “too much” at the pregnancy center, and then stepping down from Executive Director @ the pregnancy center which meant for the first time in 20 years I’d not be reporting to a job, my system went on overload and I had a melt down!
As you know I spent a few days in the hospital after being taken to the emergency room November 17, 2008 for being confused and disorientated. On the way to the emergency room my husband held me through a seizure. I was admitted into the hospital for more tests because the CT scan and chest x-ray revealed no stroke, heart attack or seizure. The ER Doctor said I’m looking at the symptoms like a stroke and there is a syndrome that can bring on 24 hour paralysis after a seizure but tests don’t show what my husband watched happen as he held me.
Now, they know that I’m experiencing migraines (I didn’t know that some of the headaches I have are migraines--I’ve had headaches my entire life most days of my life); and that the migraines bring on panic attacks and that the panic attacks can cause me to hyper-ventilate which could cause my body to do many things. It did not surprise the Dr. explaining all this too me that it was like a seizure. He has many patients that cause themselves to pass out with their panic attacks from migraines. But they also did some more testing, some emotional testing, and they think that I’ve held too much stress in. One theory I’ve heard is that they think my body is shutting itself down in self-defense. But the basic consensus is that I’m experiencing a chemical imbalance in the brain, that I’m PROBABLY bipolar. My general practitioner has diagnosed that already but my counselor said she isn’t ready to put a definite diagnosis on it yet. She says I definitely fit the criteria, but we need to re-evaluate once we can weed out the many short term stressors going on.
I have been gluten free for over three months now, but that doesn’t help the chronic pain or fatigue. However, the septic systems of Pahrump have screamed Hallelujah. I’ve also finally found some great wheat-gluten free flour I love!
MRI did not reveal MS like we were anticipating. When I started having major involuntary muscle spasms I prayed, “Lord, even if you want me to have something like MS I’m ok with it. I just want you to be glorified. I want to be able to praise you in all things.” (Bipolar never would have come to mind to fill in that MS blank; anything but a mind /emotional disorder, right? Come on now “I’m a control freak!” EXACTLY!)
So, I’m sitting in the Neurologists office the day after I’m released from the hospital following up with his nurse practitioner and he is asking me about my stress level. I make like a snorting noise and say what stress….are you kidding me? Start sobbing, “Josh, you know what the worst part of this whole thing is? I’m a born again Christian who spends way too much time bragging about being a stinking control freak when the bottom line is, GOD is suppose to be in control of my life!” I don’t even know if he is a Christian or not, poor guy. Oh, Lord I pray for Josh right now. Please use my words to him any way you can! May you be glorified!
For the time being I get to have lots of company while they find the right med’s for me, as they don’t want the kids and me alone while Brent and Mom are at work. So if you want to come have a freshly brewed cup of steamy hot coffee with my favorite vanilla-cinnamon creamer, come get a heaping helping of Taylor hospitality.
Through this all, I’m learning to enjoy each and every kiss and hug even more. You can never ever, ever say I love you enough! Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us and I am learning to quit feeling guilty for not making promises, commitments and expectations (that is the hardest – ok so I probably haven’t changed that one yet) about tomorrow and let tomorrow bring what it might. I may say I want to do such and such tomorrow and tentatively let’s plan to but I’m learning to be much more flexible. That is something I lost a long time ago.
A few of you that I have confided this in already have asked, “do you really believe you have a chemical imbalance?” Yes, it’s the only thing to me that explains why I don’t (feel) recognize one shred of myself. You may occasionally get a glimpse of the mask I may find laying around somewhere but ME….no one…not even my mom recognizes at times. I know that the enemy of our soul roams around like a lion seeking whom he may devour and I believe that I have been a prime target for attack for the stands that I have taken in the pro-life movement and I remember once losing my voice after telling a young man when prompted by the Holy Spirit that abortion is murder, this is one major reason why I covet many prayers right now and praise God that I have found a counselor who is not only a born again Christian but familiar and supportive of the pregnancy resource centers and pro-life movement. She does believe that I have bottled a lot in the last two years and that it was a great loss for me personally to step down from my position at the center and somewhere along the line I surrendered my identity to the identity of the center and I agree this is not proper and I caution all leadership of PRC’s to ask God to examine your heart and show you if you have lost you before it’s too late! Imbalance is not a sin, the neurons misfiring and not sending the proper messages is not a sin; the initial battle I fought walking out of my GP’s office that day was “how can I be bipolar and a born again Christian? I thought you are one or the other?” My counselor reminded me that our brains are comprised of neuron transmitters and chemical balances are necessary. I am in fact only responsible for my reaction to these misfiring neurons and chemical imbalances.
This sanguine who wants to be the life of the party and have every one like her, mixed with choleric who likes to control things just a LITTLE too much; is choosing once again to lay it all down at the foot of the cross where we are all equal and where we are all sinners and it really doesn’t matter that I’ve been vulnerable and transparent.
What matters the most is that God receives all the glory and honor and praise! What matters is that He is still on the throne and that none of this surprised Him There are countless ways that my husband and I have been able to see God’s hand through timing and directing the events and timing of the last 22 days since I originally began melting down. My favorite song right now, in this space in time, has become Blessed be the name: “On the road marked with suffering when there is pain in the offering blessed be your name, every blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise”….I think that is right….
Good night all and to all a good night. I love you.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Something a Mom shouldn't hear
"Ouch! Mom, your beard is poking me. No more hugs until you pluck your whiskers!"
True. All that is true, but it just ain't right! Goodmorning to me! Snuggle time...will it ever be the same?
True. All that is true, but it just ain't right! Goodmorning to me! Snuggle time...will it ever be the same?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Lost Love Hold Loosely
Today was a very sad day in our house. I'd already received the heartbreaking call when Jordan came running, sleepy-wide-eyed boy excited...."Mama, don't forget today is the day that Papa said we can pick up B....." I began sobbing and shook my head no as I watched my 5 year old looking forward to receiving his knew friend Buddy into our home. Love found and lost all in less than 24 hours.
On my way to Walmart to buy the dog food, colar, auto-water bowl and chew toy, I had this sinking feeling that of course I ignored...just pick up the dog before you shop. How crazy is that? Well, when I received the call; "Hello, you just called about Buddy, we've decided to keep him. My wife has fallen in love with him." I spent the next mile driving home angry. I wanted to yell, but what about me? What about my mom? My children we all love Buddy!
Hold on to things of this world loosely. They can be as vapor.
At least it served as a wake up call to Brent that we are serious when we say it is time to get a dog! We now have his blessings and our priorities listed. We're on the search.
Now seeking one child loving, attention starved dog! Prefer young female (18-mo's to 3 yrs ideal). Golden Retriever, Lab, German Shepard breeds. Excellent blessing from God would be a service dog flunky - but we're open to any way to find the 'right' dog for us.
On my way to Walmart to buy the dog food, colar, auto-water bowl and chew toy, I had this sinking feeling that of course I ignored...just pick up the dog before you shop. How crazy is that? Well, when I received the call; "Hello, you just called about Buddy, we've decided to keep him. My wife has fallen in love with him." I spent the next mile driving home angry. I wanted to yell, but what about me? What about my mom? My children we all love Buddy!
Hold on to things of this world loosely. They can be as vapor.
At least it served as a wake up call to Brent that we are serious when we say it is time to get a dog! We now have his blessings and our priorities listed. We're on the search.
Now seeking one child loving, attention starved dog! Prefer young female (18-mo's to 3 yrs ideal). Golden Retriever, Lab, German Shepard breeds. Excellent blessing from God would be a service dog flunky - but we're open to any way to find the 'right' dog for us.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Slow down....School zone
My pop said to me Sunday, "Karen, I see you out driving around town more now then I did when you were working full-time. Are you sure you are a 'stay at home' mom/'home'school teacher?"
Yes, but amazingly enough life doesn't seem to slow down automatically when we trade out hats. All we did is change our appearance. But is that what I set out to do?
Don't I really want a slower pace life and time to enjoy my kids while they are this age and with me (though Jordan 5, asked if when he gets married couldn't he and his wife just live with us...."or will Oma's house have enough room for us?" )Yikes!----I'm still considering it a blessing to be close enough to my mom in relationship that we can live with her while it's God's timing and remain content and happy.
I am starting this next level of transition by proclaiming that I will not feel guilty for slowing the pace a bit and taking things a little slower.
Yes, but amazingly enough life doesn't seem to slow down automatically when we trade out hats. All we did is change our appearance. But is that what I set out to do?
Don't I really want a slower pace life and time to enjoy my kids while they are this age and with me (though Jordan 5, asked if when he gets married couldn't he and his wife just live with us...."or will Oma's house have enough room for us?" )Yikes!----I'm still considering it a blessing to be close enough to my mom in relationship that we can live with her while it's God's timing and remain content and happy.
I am starting this next level of transition by proclaiming that I will not feel guilty for slowing the pace a bit and taking things a little slower.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Time Flies
How does the time go by so fast and where does it go?
Jordan has this special way of identifying the time frame of an activity by saying "not today, not the next today, not the next today..." five minutes into the 'next today's' and you are spinning wondering is the event ever going to get here? Yet, reality tells me that he is going to be driving an actual vehicle (not just me crazy) in the equivalence of 5 seconds.
I can't believe two entire weeks have gone by with a post. The first official week of homeschool was awesome! Jordan and I were invited to attend kindergarten for a day where Brent works; I came home with wonderful ideas and Jordan came home knowing that school is not a game that Mom and Dad made up that participation is a voting matter! (Does any other Mom out there get tired of hearing whether or not your child really wants to do something?---My poor Mom I remember too vividly telling her when I didn't want to do something. I am sure my tone was much friendlier than Jordy's and I looked cuter saying it! LOL)
Of course, time is flying right now and somehow I've been on the computer too long. My family is calling and I have to jump and run. More later!
Jordan has this special way of identifying the time frame of an activity by saying "not today, not the next today, not the next today..." five minutes into the 'next today's' and you are spinning wondering is the event ever going to get here? Yet, reality tells me that he is going to be driving an actual vehicle (not just me crazy) in the equivalence of 5 seconds.
I can't believe two entire weeks have gone by with a post. The first official week of homeschool was awesome! Jordan and I were invited to attend kindergarten for a day where Brent works; I came home with wonderful ideas and Jordan came home knowing that school is not a game that Mom and Dad made up that participation is a voting matter! (Does any other Mom out there get tired of hearing whether or not your child really wants to do something?---My poor Mom I remember too vividly telling her when I didn't want to do something. I am sure my tone was much friendlier than Jordy's and I looked cuter saying it! LOL)
Of course, time is flying right now and somehow I've been on the computer too long. My family is calling and I have to jump and run. More later!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
First Week at Home!
I'm loving this. I still have this pit in my stomache-that feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get in big trouble and when I examine myself "I forgot to go to work all week!" "Oh no you didn't self, you don't have employment any longer!" YEAH!
Yes, each day I've had overwhelmed moments with the children. It is so worth it though!
Brent and I have been able to spend some quality time together and are learning each other more and more. (He actually said, "I'm available for some face to face time if you need it"-last night when he came home from work. We learned in our marriage conference that women need face to face communication. Look at me and listen-don't fix, don't distract, just listen.
Monday is first official day of Homeschool. I'm not ready but will be - hopefully procrastination is one of the qualities that can be corrected while at home:-)
I'm loving this. I still have this pit in my stomache-that feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get in big trouble and when I examine myself "I forgot to go to work all week!" "Oh no you didn't self, you don't have employment any longer!" YEAH!
Yes, each day I've had overwhelmed moments with the children. It is so worth it though!
Brent and I have been able to spend some quality time together and are learning each other more and more. (He actually said, "I'm available for some face to face time if you need it"-last night when he came home from work. We learned in our marriage conference that women need face to face communication. Look at me and listen-don't fix, don't distract, just listen.
Monday is first official day of Homeschool. I'm not ready but will be - hopefully procrastination is one of the qualities that can be corrected while at home:-)
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