Ok, so if you have spent much time with me at all in the right setting, I have just enough ‘control freak’ in me for you to have seen that I love to be the center of attention and that I really want to have a lot of fun- especially if it involves coffee and doing things my way, did I mention I’m a control freak? But lately I’m surprised to hear that there may actually be some out there that don’t know that I like to be the center of attention, to have a great time and that I can be really funny. They don’t know that I love to laugh and at one point I had a great sense of humor.
I have invited many of you to my blog for the first time to tell you all what I’m going through at once; many of you for the first time will be seeing me be transparent and vulnerable.
I have been experiencing various pain for some time now. One type of pain I was reminded started 18 months ago. They wanted to operate to correct the problem, immediately, and for reasons beyond my control, and now I thank God, I never had the operation. But over the last six months I have been living with chronic severe pain and chronic fatigue. I have asked my husband and mother to keep it a secret because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Now I know that what I was really afraid of while my body was rapidly attacking it’s self and I was loosing muscle control, was not being “the strong one” anymore. I was scared of becoming dependant on others and how it was affecting my interaction with my children and I was trying to hide it all. This stress mixed with the stress of doing “too much” at the pregnancy center, and then stepping down from Executive Director @ the pregnancy center which meant for the first time in 20 years I’d not be reporting to a job, my system went on overload and I had a melt down!
As you know I spent a few days in the hospital after being taken to the emergency room November 17, 2008 for being confused and disorientated. On the way to the emergency room my husband held me through a seizure. I was admitted into the hospital for more tests because the CT scan and chest x-ray revealed no stroke, heart attack or seizure. The ER Doctor said I’m looking at the symptoms like a stroke and there is a syndrome that can bring on 24 hour paralysis after a seizure but tests don’t show what my husband watched happen as he held me.
Now, they know that I’m experiencing migraines (I didn’t know that some of the headaches I have are migraines--I’ve had headaches my entire life most days of my life); and that the migraines bring on panic attacks and that the panic attacks can cause me to hyper-ventilate which could cause my body to do many things. It did not surprise the Dr. explaining all this too me that it was like a seizure. He has many patients that cause themselves to pass out with their panic attacks from migraines. But they also did some more testing, some emotional testing, and they think that I’ve held too much stress in. One theory I’ve heard is that they think my body is shutting itself down in self-defense. But the basic consensus is that I’m experiencing a chemical imbalance in the brain, that I’m PROBABLY bipolar. My general practitioner has diagnosed that already but my counselor said she isn’t ready to put a definite diagnosis on it yet. She says I definitely fit the criteria, but we need to re-evaluate once we can weed out the many short term stressors going on.
I have been gluten free for over three months now, but that doesn’t help the chronic pain or fatigue. However, the septic systems of Pahrump have screamed Hallelujah. I’ve also finally found some great wheat-gluten free flour I love!
MRI did not reveal MS like we were anticipating. When I started having major involuntary muscle spasms I prayed, “Lord, even if you want me to have something like MS I’m ok with it. I just want you to be glorified. I want to be able to praise you in all things.” (Bipolar never would have come to mind to fill in that MS blank; anything but a mind /emotional disorder, right? Come on now “I’m a control freak!” EXACTLY!)
So, I’m sitting in the Neurologists office the day after I’m released from the hospital following up with his nurse practitioner and he is asking me about my stress level. I make like a snorting noise and say what stress….are you kidding me? Start sobbing, “Josh, you know what the worst part of this whole thing is? I’m a born again Christian who spends way too much time bragging about being a stinking control freak when the bottom line is, GOD is suppose to be in control of my life!” I don’t even know if he is a Christian or not, poor guy. Oh, Lord I pray for Josh right now. Please use my words to him any way you can! May you be glorified!
For the time being I get to have lots of company while they find the right med’s for me, as they don’t want the kids and me alone while Brent and Mom are at work. So if you want to come have a freshly brewed cup of steamy hot coffee with my favorite vanilla-cinnamon creamer, come get a heaping helping of Taylor hospitality.
Through this all, I’m learning to enjoy each and every kiss and hug even more. You can never ever, ever say I love you enough! Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us and I am learning to quit feeling guilty for not making promises, commitments and expectations (that is the hardest – ok so I probably haven’t changed that one yet) about tomorrow and let tomorrow bring what it might. I may say I want to do such and such tomorrow and tentatively let’s plan to but I’m learning to be much more flexible. That is something I lost a long time ago.
A few of you that I have confided this in already have asked, “do you really believe you have a chemical imbalance?” Yes, it’s the only thing to me that explains why I don’t (feel) recognize one shred of myself. You may occasionally get a glimpse of the mask I may find laying around somewhere but ME….no one…not even my mom recognizes at times. I know that the enemy of our soul roams around like a lion seeking whom he may devour and I believe that I have been a prime target for attack for the stands that I have taken in the pro-life movement and I remember once losing my voice after telling a young man when prompted by the Holy Spirit that abortion is murder, this is one major reason why I covet many prayers right now and praise God that I have found a counselor who is not only a born again Christian but familiar and supportive of the pregnancy resource centers and pro-life movement. She does believe that I have bottled a lot in the last two years and that it was a great loss for me personally to step down from my position at the center and somewhere along the line I surrendered my identity to the identity of the center and I agree this is not proper and I caution all leadership of PRC’s to ask God to examine your heart and show you if you have lost you before it’s too late! Imbalance is not a sin, the neurons misfiring and not sending the proper messages is not a sin; the initial battle I fought walking out of my GP’s office that day was “how can I be bipolar and a born again Christian? I thought you are one or the other?” My counselor reminded me that our brains are comprised of neuron transmitters and chemical balances are necessary. I am in fact only responsible for my reaction to these misfiring neurons and chemical imbalances.
This sanguine who wants to be the life of the party and have every one like her, mixed with choleric who likes to control things just a LITTLE too much; is choosing once again to lay it all down at the foot of the cross where we are all equal and where we are all sinners and it really doesn’t matter that I’ve been vulnerable and transparent.
What matters the most is that God receives all the glory and honor and praise! What matters is that He is still on the throne and that none of this surprised Him There are countless ways that my husband and I have been able to see God’s hand through timing and directing the events and timing of the last 22 days since I originally began melting down. My favorite song right now, in this space in time, has become Blessed be the name: “On the road marked with suffering when there is pain in the offering blessed be your name, every blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise”….I think that is right….
Good night all and to all a good night. I love you.
